Heart Tests

Yesterday, my husband and I had to take our son to the hospital for some heart tests. It appears that he has developed a heart murmur at some point during the last year. For our family, this ordeal was something we are not used to. We have been blessed with children who are rarely sick with more than a common cold and until a few months ago when they both had severe cases of strep, had always bragged that the only time we go to the doctor is for "well-baby" checkups. Our experience included the following observations: The sterile hallways, the grueling paperwork (why do they need all of that information in their computers anyway?), passing the time away in a series of waiting rooms, hoping the tests will not hurt much and not take too long, processing the monitor during the test, trying to decipher the extent of the problem and realizing that endeavor is pointless, not knowing what will happen next or what the outcome will be of those tests, fighting back fear, being scared...
When I first realized our son would have to have the tests to determine the extent of the murmur, my first inclination was of course, to worry. Now, mind you I have been engaged in a battle (for several years now) against this very thing. Before my daughter was born, a blood test indicated the possibility of Downes. I wrestled with God for some time before I was finally able to have a peace about the outcome. I can't remember an initial time when I realized I had a choice to worry or not. I just dived into the abyss of fear and doubt without any processing at all. This time, I was fortunately in a place where I knew I had a specific choice to make. I could either yield to the worry and entertain thoughts of all the worst scenarios or I could thank the Lord that He knew this very thing was going to happen all along, that it was His special plan to allow this to happen, and that this heart murmur could be used to further His kingdom and give Him glory. I remembered a portion of Psalm 139 that encouraged me to choose the latter option:
For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
This passage reminds me that God is in control of my son's destiny. And not only that, He loves him and wants the best for him; after all, He made Ethan, designed him in love. I can trust that love and place my precious child in His hands.
Sometimes I still want to worry. The Lord's people are administered heart tests all the time. I suppose it will always be a temptation to doubt, but I can only take one step at a time. I will choose to trust Him in this moment and not fret about more difficult tests to come. And yet, even when I intellectually reach a point when I know I should trust the Lord, there is another temptation to try to muster that courage myself. In this, I will surely fail. If results come in that I do not like, I will want very much to doubt that love I talked about. Satan will try to tell me I am a puppet and God is the master puppeteer. Herein lies the true test; will I, would I, trust the Lord no matter what the results be? Will I cleave to Him in the darkest moment? I know there is no safer place to be. May the Lord be with His people when we want to doubt His love.
Thank you Lord for loving us. Thank you for testing our hearts and giving us trials so that we can learn to cling to you and seek you and yearn for you more. Help us in our weakest moments to remember your promises. Help us to proclaim that you are trustworthy and will not disappoint us. Thank you for humbling us when we try to be victorious without you. Amen.